A little over seven months ago, things weren’t going so great for me, I won’t lie. My grades in school were dropping quite fast, I had just gotten over a bout of pneumonia that, for the first time in a very long time (including two back to back years of surgeries) had knocked me down and out cold, and my social and athletic life wasn’t so great either. At times, you feel as if any of the choices you have made that end up making your life, or others, miserable, hasn’t been right. As such, I decided to push my luck. I decided to base some of my most important decisions off of a coin flip. People called me crazy, stupid, idiotic. Others thought it was a great idea. My opinion on it? If my own personal thoughts went into prior issues and choices, which ended up causing problems, then an unbiased decider should be used. With a coin, it’s either yes or no; heads or tails; one option or another. There is no feeling involved. It’s a flip, a catch, and a reveal.

My story starts in early December (of 2008). At the time, I was in anguish over certain things (how I felt about certain people, how my academics were, my health), when all of sudden, out of the blue, I was invited to a particular person’s birthday party. Not really a big deal in itself (though it turns out my thoughts and hints about the particular occasion and person were correct, in retrospect), but the fact that I was going (albeit with a friend) to such an occasion, for a person I barely knew, was something in itself. So that’s when I decided to lay it all on the line. I really had no reason to go to such a party, but nothing to lose in any fashion if I did. To be honest, I had no real feelings on the matter, so I decided to just flip a coin to see what I was going to do.

Some details about the ‘lucky’ coin, though. It’s a 2001 mint US dollar coin, with Sacagawea inscribed on it, as an eagle on the reverse side. My grandfather (who is still alive, so this isn’t necessarily sentimental) had given me the coin several years prior, and after a bit of cleaning, it was shining in its glory once again. I happened upon it in my nightstand drawer one day by accident. I had thrown it on my desk in hopes of finding a better place for it, but it just ended up being placed in my wallet after this first ‘deciding’ flip.

So, when it came down to it, the coin said I should go (heads), two times out of three. As such, the decision was made without any sort of personal feeling. I was going, no matter what my suspicions were, and that was that. A few weeks passed by, and the party came. I went, enjoyed myself, talked with the host for a few minutes, and left once it all ended with my friend who I had attended with. Not really a big spectacle, but influential none the less.

A few months passed, four to be specific, and we ended up in late April of this year. Turns out that my suspicions that the person in question (a female) had in fact had feelings for me, and to spare you the entire story over again, ended up going to prom with me. That’s not to say that the coin only made one appearance in between these months, its prior decisions just aren’t as notable as the point of this discussion. So, I flipped the coin, decided to discuss prom with her, and that was that. The decision was made.

But as the past three months have stretched on, things have become, well, strained, to say the least. It’s been tremulous in many regards, and although I feel that we have grown closer as friends, and as something more, it’s evident that she does not know what she wants anymore. She has flipped back and forth regarding ‘us’ that it’s sickening, to be honest. Now, after not speaking to one of her best friends (coincidently, the friend who I attended her party with), she wants to patch things up and hope that they end up as good as they used to be. Sad thing is, they won’t.

This kid has been a complete jerk to her, and, even as his good friend, cannot deny this. She has high hopes that tomorrow morning, they will patch things up and everything will be peachy keen as always. The thing is, I don’t think they will. Over the past month, she’s been through hell trying to decide what she wants from him. Unfortunately, he hasn’t been in the same predicament. He told me that they will never be as close as they once were, and that this separation hasn’t torn him up as much as it has her. I should have told her what she said, as a friend and whatever else she sees me as, but I just couldn’t hurt her. She’s had a rough life (more than I care to detail on here), but I just couldn’t tell her that this is how he felt. He promised me he would listen to what she would have to say and not argue with her, but that doesn’t mean things will end up the way either of them want it. It’s a sad, but necessary, conversation to have.

So, where does the coin come into all of this? It’s quite simple really. Tomorrow, after their conversation is through, and I understand the full depth of what has happened, I will flip it one more time. What decision is to be made? Should I continue on this rollercoaster path of trying to be more, when she wants me to be, or just give up and call it what it is: a friendship. I’m not one to squander my feelings, but in this case, the chance and luck of a coin flip is the best way to go. No feelings, no thoughts, no regrets. It’s heads or tails; a yes or no; nothing more, nothing less.