I often find myself wondering about how long it takes certain people to realize things. Is it instantaneous subconsciously? Or does it genuinely take a specific amount of time for them to see how things are going to be? It’s a rhetorical question, in essence, but I really do think that we can garner some sort of answer out if we analyze some things.

So, as I discussed in my previous, non-server related post, it took me a good seventeen years to realize that if I want something to happen, I need to make the move, not sit around on my laurels to ‘wait and see’. And as such, today I think I made a move, but not in the general sense of the term. To be frank, I made a move by not making a move at all. “How is that possible?” you may ask. Well, it’s quite simple really.

You see, this situation I’ve been in since late April has really been childish, I won’t admit. The whole concept of the “Let’s just be friends.” and “No, wait, I like you.” has really led me to this point. My friends, as well as her friends (in case you don’t know what I am talking about, read the earlier article) have been saying that I should make a move to let her know that I’m interested… until I realized that, truly, I wasn’t interested. You may think that I am crazy, but to be honest, she’s just not the person that I find myself really connecting with. Some people said to try it out and see, but I’ve decided that I never really ‘liked’ her in the sense of the word. There is no doubt that we make pretty good friends, but as for a relationship, I don’t see it happening.

So, what happens from here on out? Honestly, I have no clue. I think she’s given up on me (for lack of a better term), which is a good thing, but, alas, I do feel bad. That being said, I have plans. What, specifically? Well, let’s just say it involves ‘A’, my birthday party, and a long chat about how long it’s really been.

With my birthday in a little less than an hour, I figured it might as well be a good time to talk about some of the stuff that’s been on my mind the past few weeks, that I haven’t talked about on the blog yet. You see, this place has really lost the personal touch it used to have: before, I would blog every (other) day about what happened in school, what I found funny, or what I just felt like talking about. The post I made a few days ago was the first one in a long time that’s main focus was my life, and not technology. So, let’s ignore the tech side of me for the rest of this post.

You see, the past few months have been a roller coaster of decisions, some of which I regret. That being said, a lot of people haven’t actually heard the entire story, hell, even part of it. So, here I go, though I won’t include regular names (I think A, B, and C will both suffice and be respectable, for my sanity at least).

Back in January, I was on the fence about two particular girls (yes, that is the purpose of this post, sorry). One of them, ‘A’, has been a good friend for a very long time, and we really started to click in a different sense once I left my previous hometown to my new location. That being said, we continued to talk and relate, and we we’re really good friends. We went through the motions of the conversations, the occasional Call of Duty games on Xbox Live, yada yada. But, I reached a point where I began to care more about her than I would admit. It’s not that I loved her, per say, but I cared more about her than on a friend to friend basis. But, at the same time, things were getting pretty good between me and another girl, ‘B’, who actually attended the school at which I was currently going to. So, a decision had to be made: try to make things work with A, or just go with B. That’s where my whole ‘flip a coin’ though came from, and, despite several (hundred) flips, I could not simply make a decision based off the toss of a coin.

Things reached a lull for a few months (notably February through the beginning of April), and during that time I had other things that I had to shift my focus to. But, then Prom came closer and closer, as I alluded to in my previous post. And that’s when the decision decided to change, because the circumstances had changed, and ‘C’ entered the picture.

The day before the band trip, we had a rehearsal after school so we could run through the concert pieces one last time on stage before the actual competition. Afterwards, I ran into ‘B’, who I had not necessarily expressed extreme interest in, and, as I was walking the other way down the hallway (her walking the opposite direction, her back to me), she said “Connor, just do it already.” This caught me off guard, and immediately made me realize that I could do what I wanted to do (ask her out/to Prom) with nearly guaranteed success. But, despite this, the entire band trip passed by without me even trying to make a move. Why? I don’t know. It’s not that I was fearful of rejection, seeing as though she basically asked me to ask her, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, even after I sat down with her at lunch with the intention of doing it. It just never came out. And as I look back, it was so stupid. Once again, I had my chance and fucked up. Sorry, but that’s what happened: I fucked up, and missed out.

Now, for a few days before the lunch incident, my friend informed me that someone else, ‘C’, would like to go to Prom with me. He said that she had wanted to go with me, and if things didn’t work out too well with B then C would love to go. So, there is some back story with C and I, which I probably should explain beforehand.

You see, back in December, C had a birthday party in which I was invited, through my friend who ‘set us up’. Now, I just assumed that I was asked to come because, at the time, I assumed that if C and my friend weren’t going out, that they would be relatively soon. After all, in October my friend had alluded to the fact that he wanted to. That being said, they had been in fights before which resulted in them not talking for weeks at a time, so I wasn’t exactly sure how things were going. But, despite this, I need to make it clear that we were not exactly the idea of friends: we were more or less good acquaintances.

So, C and I started talking, and within an hour I had asked to her to go to Prom with me. As expected, she said yes. That being said, it was a somewhat awkward experience. We hadn’t been that close before, and yet, for the week and a half leading up to Prom, we basically talked every day (one day from 3PM to 5AM the next day). So Prom day came, and then things began to reach a level of complications that even I couldn’t untangle.

We went through the regular Prom motions: Go to her house, exchange flowers, take pictures, and go to my friend’s house (the same one who ‘hooked us up’) for our limo. Things were going pretty good all the way through dinner, and then, when it came to dancing, things went haywire. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to dance, it’s just that our personalities met our biggest challenge: shyness at the most unneeded time. Because of this, I never danced with my date to Prom. Because of this, her friends came up to me and told me to show her that I was interested in her, and despite my somewhat valiant attempts, I failed. So that was that. I assumed that anything that could evolve from this was no longer possible, so I gave up and went to chill at my friend’s house that night.

Then, around 2 in the morning, I sent her a text: “Listen, I feel like a douchebag about what happened tonight.” Below is a recollection of what was discussed:

C: “I feel the same way… I don’t know what happened.”
Me: “I just feel really bad because it’s basically my fault for not really doing anything.”
C: “No, it was me, I just couldn’t do anything.”

And that was that. Or, at least that’s what I thought. I get another text a few days later (on a Sunday), that said that she thought she was ready for a relationship, but wasn’t. And I understood. Was that the same situation I was in? Was I ready to be more than friends that I didn’t realize what I really wanted?

Things proceeded in this “Ok, we’re still friends” manner, until a week ago today (the 23rd). She told me that she had liked me for a long time, and me, in a silly action, said I liked her. But, it’s not I don’t. It’s just that I don’t know what I want anymore. I can’t make up my mind for shit anymore, and it’s because of that that I’ve missed out on so many opportunities. That’s why seventeen years has been a long time: I’ve never been able to make up my mind; I’ve never been able to see things to the end. And now it’s time for that to change.

In fifteen minutes, when I turn 17, I will change. For the better. I promise.